Down to Happy

I've realized a quick way to distract yourself from sorrow (even its only for a short while), is to look back at those old photos in your laptop/photo albums. At least for me, it does help to ease the pain a little.

Looking back at my previous trips photos, photos with friends back in old times, really leave a grin on my face. Temporarily forget those unpleasant stuff, traveling back to old times, immersing myself in happier memories..

I can make myself happy, if i want to.. =)

p/s: the reason why i like to take photos, it's because even though the people inside the photos changed, the camera captured something that remained forever.

the smile =)

When it happens to me..

This is not the first time i fail an exam...

remember i failed my mathematics during my HSC..lolz...MATHEMATICS!! though only 2/3 marks, i was down because for a careless mistake to pass...

When i sit for the first test in med course..i failed as well..one mark....all confident gone...

after that...i had been doing really well, keeping myself in above moderate level, trying my best to do the best...

Since i came back to melaka, everything has changed..things seem to gone back to the beginning point when i was the poor student. I knew something went wrong..My scores are always at the last row in my group, i know im lack of knowledge..maybe i realized too late...many incidents happened throughout the year which bothering me so much...

Perhaps im overconfident?

Perhaps im too proud?

Perhaps I enjoyed or played too much?

Perhaps I just need to overcome the panic when i got to present???

Perhaps i need more time to study???

Perhaps the way i used to study is wrong?

I have only one night...

HA! to decide so many damn thing instead of being sad and down...cruel...*

i don't know my presence in outings with my friends will make them kekok or feel bad?? they can share my happiness, but why must they share my sorrows!?

i don't know what's the best for me...continue to study myself? ask my friends to revise with me( so i got to go to taiwan with them) while having fun a bit? or go back home to get some hugz and complete rest??

making decision is never a tough job for me (maybe for kel a bit bit?? hehez...)

but now... It matters..

I try to be rational.. (cool huh..)

but im just a normal human being...

no matter how strong am i, there will be things i cant take it..

lolz...i seriously overlook my self image....

now, how to face the crowds??

how long i can put on smile on my face and tell others that im fine??

I know what has happened is not the worst...is yet to be a BIG deal.. but....but.......

should i just go home and deep myself to my mama and papa and let them protect me??

after all.. 23 years old seems to be a huge number.. but its so minute that can turn me into a little girl in a sec!!

now think like that..*keep telling myself...

wipe off the tears...tears help nothing!!! cry till tsunami also won't change the fact...

I need to work out something!!!! THINK MAY...THINK!!! What should i do next?!!?!?!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn IT!!!! HOW COULD I MAKE MYSELF FAILS SUCH IMPORTANT FINALS EXAM!??!!!!!!! DAMN!!

ps: All of you may not read this...

but thanks to valerie and wc who gave me a hug last night; thanks to Kent who offered me to help me to revise; yeeyong for offering me to leave the crowds, elsa and jy for calling me out for dinner, marine yeeyong and jy for companion, yentsen billy ck kc for msging me, my lovely sister to console me, my parents for their consideration and they never question why but just say the good things....:-)

I m lucky to be surrounded by friends and family at every stage of my life...

single words from you guys really means a lots...xue zhong song tan is not even a good enough word to describe what you have just done...The touch i felt deep to my heart..i will always remember that...as this the most precious thing in the world...

your initiative to comfort me speaks that at least you understand me...I wanted to be alone..but i need your accompany too...though i didnt say anything to you...

You have no idea.

All of people to judge, why you have to judge me..

All of people whom i thought will judge me, why you..

You've known me since the day I've born, you should know me better than anyone else in the world. but sadly, NO..i can confirm that, you never know me.

Am i so bad in your eyes?

Am i so cheap in your eyes?

Am i always not good enough for you?

Why? WHY!!!

why you always have to PIN-POINT me? as if what I did never seem good enough for YOU and only YOU?

you put me down, thrashed me all around,

Why the fark you said those words to me?

it hurts me deeply. i don't think i will forgive you anytime soon.

mind you, this is not the FIRST time you do this to me.

This explains why i never tell my stuff to you, and you hardly know anything about me. Shame on you, shame on you.

For God's sake, i'm 23 years old.

You can't expect to always lock me in you cage and not making decision for my own.

You can't expect me to live in your OWN expectation. You're not me.

Things Happen

这次，我真的彻底失望了

在你还没跟我说之前，我是非常非常非常期待

甚至于，我傻到每一天都在 countdown 着那一天的来临

其实，这件事没有人预料到，

只能怪我们的timing 不对

期待了，兴奋着，被现实打击，失望了，伤心了，那又能怎样？

还不是得勉强着笑容，说：没关系，never mind.. things happen..

整件事来的顺其，可是我觉得一点都不自然.

也突然发现，

失望了还勉强笑着，

真的很难看

p/s: things happen.. but can we make a change?